‘Bless Your Nuts For The ‘Upliftment’ Of Humanity’: The Best Thing On The Internet

The Best Thing On The Internet is a regular column in the relaunched New Matilda magazine.

Never in the history of the spoken word – or of the internet – did we ever think that the following words would be jumbled and pronounced as a sentence. And yet….

“I’m shameless. I’m not afraid. I am doubtless. Because fear in the present moment is fear. Fear of the past is shame. Fear of the future is doubt. So when you pick up another guy’s nuts, you’re sending out good vibrations, good chi, spiraling up and down the front of each testicle.

And then there’s this: “These are your batteries. So when you focus on your testicles, you literally recharge your batteries. And of course, you’re probably the first guy in your family to do shit like this in hundreds of years. Of course the fear will come up.”

I worry that it is me Not first guy in my family… but anyways, introducing Canadian Will Blunderfield, Men’s Wellness Coach, “Sexual Kung Fu Instructor” and the newest theme of Channel 5 with Andrew Callaghan… a youtube journalism channel featuring the work of Callaghan. It’s basically “Louis Theroux meets Hunter S Thompson”. It’s also undeniably one of the best things on the internet.

While you might think Blunderfield is a henchman and the whole story is a parody, it’s not. It’s very, very real. This 20 minute filmmaking masterpiece contains dozens of statements and sentences that must be true because nobody could reasonably invent them. They include:

“You basically drink the nuts and appreciate the nuts. Can you somehow feel the Reiki energy exiting my palm chakra into your scrotum? Yes?”

And this: “…We communicate subtly through the pelvic consciousness. I call it the testicles. A bit like the mycelial network in the forest.”

My favorite quote is this: “You are basically blessing your nuts for the uplifting of all mankind. And you raise the frequency of the mini-brain of your gonads by smiling and growling into them. Ahhhh. You can do this while having sex with a woman.”

You can, but the really big question is whether or not you should? Anyway, there you have it guys… the information that the likes of Nina Funnell and Clem Ford and other Australian feminists have so far successfully kept from us.

We don’t want to ruin any more punch lines, but rest assured there are about 100 more of them. And just when you’re thinking the story couldn’t get any more ridiculous, Callaghan delivers. That’s a good reason to stick it out to the end for a surprise twist worthy of the entire project.

If you are interested in more information about Callaghan, subscribe to his channel on Youtube here, or Vice Media made a good short documentary about him here.

Five stars. And a bonus star because Will Blunderfield is almost certainly Isaac Butterfield’s long-lost and equally unintentionally funny twin brother.