It’s Me, the Person Putting Drugs in the Halloween Candy

“Is Rainbow Fentanyl a threat to your kids this Halloween?” Experts say no.” — NPR

– – –

Hi. I’m the person who puts drugs in Halloween candy. I’m also the person who sticks razor blades in movie theater cushions to give people STDs and the person who stuffs crumpled paper into car doorknobs to reveal secret symbols to sex traffickers.

Do I have any evidence that I did any of these things and that these alleged allegations are more than scare tactics to get clicks and views? No of course not. But you don’t want proof, do you?

It’s pretty easy. Every year around Halloween, I, a real human being with a healthy mind and body, go out and buy some candy. And then I buy some drugs. And then, after spending all that time and money on the drugs and the sweets that I’ll never consume myself, I voluntarily and voluntarily choose to spend hours and hours of my one wild and precious life carefully opening candy wrappers and injecting marijuana into each fun-sized Snickers.

How does this work, you might ask? How do you “inject” marijuana? Would anyone in their right mind actually bother to do this? To that I say: Yes. yes it makes sense Let us continue.

What do I get out of this tedious endeavor that takes a lot of time and money, and which in turn does literally nothing for me? Well, let me flip that and ask you. What do you think of this Netflix true crime drama that bit you? What’s the point of learning half French every other year? What do you think of Pickleball? Listen. It beats social media doomscrolling, doesn’t it? Call it self care.

i will be honest I’ve been doing this for years, and putting the drugs in the Halloween candy isn’t as exciting as it used to be. But at this point it’s a tradition. And this is America. The Supreme Court has shown us that if we can prove that anyone in America has ever done anything in history a certain way, then we should always do that thing exactly the same way.

If I stop putting drugs in Halloween candy, where will the media get their next moral panic? Our dysfunctional political system? The impending destruction of the entire planet by climate collapse? Olivia Wilde’s salad dressing? Please.

With all the energy that has gone into warning concerned parents of my actions – which again have no proof and very likely never will – we could have used a lot more newspaper space, radio and television time to do this to warn people about real things that matter. Like the fact that there’s still a pandemic, or that we’re the only nation where kids are taught to bring bulletproof backpacks to school. Or that 10-year-old rape victims in Texas are now having to give birth to their rapists’ babies.

you see now All of this was crap and no fun for the news at all. So please just let me do my important and not at all fictional work. As an added bonus, I’m considering betting that COVID Vaccine also in Halloween candy. The media would really eat that up, right?