Ranking of Dragon Age Boyfriends if they were good partners

Image: EA / Kotaku

Since the Dragon Age series is set in different places and times in BioWare’s fantasy universe, we had the opportunity to hop through the universe kissing men from different eras of, well, Dragon Age. But while we love our video game love interests, it might be worth considering whether or not those relationships would be doable if they weren’t held together by a doomsday event like The Blight or the invasion of Corypheus.

Sure, Iron Bull’s romance in Dragon Age: Inquisition is undeniably hot, but what happens when the hole in the sky stops spewing demons into the real world and you just have to live together?

With that in mind, let’s rank the Dragon Age friends by how much they are real-life friend material.

10. Solas

BioWare / Naughty Gaming

I don’t have to hypothesize whether Solas would be a good friend or not because he was already a terrible one in the Dragon Age games. This guy spends the entire time of the Inquisition lying to you about the real reason he helped you, which is to get his doomsday plan back on track after he screwed it up. Even if you’re in a romantic relationship with the guy, that truth only comes out after he dives in at the end of the game and tells you why he ghosted you in the DLC. Yes, it’s tragic, it’s scary and it creates a lot of drama, but one day you too will be old and tired and want someone to just be there when you get home from work. This man is too busy destroying the world for a just cause to bother seeing you every night. Worst RL friend, easy.

9.Sebastian Vael

BioWare / River Goddess

Look, Sebastian sucks. In Dragon Age II, the guy is so committed to the church that he’s constantly judging people, including you. It’s also a chaste romance, if that’s your thing, but if that’s not your thing, you’ll leave something to be desired at the behest of a god who left you and everyone else behind long ago. He’s not trying to destroy the world, so he’s getting over Solas, but you can do better, friend. We still have eight bachelors to go…

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8. Fenris

i love fenris He’s been my romantic option every time I’ve played Dragon Age II, and the rival romance between him and a magician Hawke plays out as a delicious dread. But over the years I’ve taken the relationship very far back because it just has a lot of abusive undertones. The sex scene is triggered by an argument, then Fenris shoves you against a wall, lit by his Lyrium tattoos ready to reach through your chest and crush your heart. It illustrates the abuse Fenris has endured and the scene itself is well deserved. It works well in a video game and in An Archive of Our Own, but red flags keep popping up in the context of real romance. Yes, Fenris and Hawke end up growing and having a better relationship, but once this shit happened, it can happen again.

7. Cullen Rutherford

BioWare/DanaDuchy

Cullen is a joker because his love scene in Dragon Age: Inquisition shows that he knows how to give you that good and throws all his shit off his desk to do it. But he also seems to be the kind of guy who, after you’ve gotten better and settled in, when he gets home from work, would start asking why you didn’t make dinner and tell you, that your job should be to take care of the children instead of having a career and a life of your own. He comes across as sweet and chivalrous, but that can also stem from some extremely backward views on relationships. So tread carefully. You know the joke about liberals looking like republicans? This is Cullen, and it’s a coin toss for what you’ll actually get.

6. Different

look i know But please listen to me before you start throwing tomatoes. Anders is obsessed with the spirit of justice, but he is also obsessed with his devotion to his cause. And that dedication extends to you, too. You want a man obsessed with you? That is different. Do you think a man who blew up a church in an act of terrorism will ever take your birthday half-heartedly or not appreciate the great moments of your life together? No, this guy will do something explosive for any life event until he discovers that there is a major injustice happening elsewhere in the world that might distract him. It’s good that the world is a completely just and good place where nobody is disproportionately harmed by social structures, isn’t it?

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5. Black Wall

BioWare / Whispered Menaces

Blackwall is a liar, and as we already pointed out when we discussed Solas – not to mention the Mass Effect Friends rankings – that’s pretty bad. But Blackwall’s lie is a good lie because he’s trying to keep a better man’s legacy alive while trying to atone for his sins. Unlike Solas and the others, his lie is not selfish. While accepting Blackwall’s identity allowed Thom Rainier to escape his tormented past, he admits it, and besides, there are no secrets between him and the Inquisitor. Then you just have a guy who is a brooding gentleman who will fight and die for you.

4. Zevran Arainai

If you meet Zevran in Dragon Age: Origins, it’s because he’s trying to kill you. But if you defeat him, the assassin will tell you that he will attack his employer in exchange for his life. At the beginning of the relationship, Zevran is on his own. You overcome that detachment in romance until you’re finally left with a funny, horny fool who brightens your day with his antics. If you want someone to turn your frown on the darkest of times, you can’t go wrong with this assassin turned golden retriever puppy.

3. Alistair

BioWare / Snow Lynx

Surely Alistair is the least experienced friend of the Dragon Age pantheon. That means he has a lot to learn, but since he hasn’t played the game, you can assume there’s a measure of purity in his intentions and willingness to explore the relationship. While Cullen feels like a risky proposition because he seems the type to hold prehistoric views, Alistair seems too na├»ve to want to do anything other than worship the ground you walk on. He’s an idiot, but he’s funny and kind-hearted. Just don’t ask him to take on the responsibilities of being king, or he’ll tease you forever.

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2. Iron Bull

As SZA once said in an SNL skit, “It’s cuff season and all the girls go to have a big boy.” She definitely sang about Iron Bull. This Qunari behemoth is all about boundaries and approval and about To serve you and your needs both inside and outside the bedroom. Iron Bull is the type of guy who will do anything to protect and serve his partner, and the man will not rest until you are happy with every aspect of your life and relationship. Iron Bull won’t give up on you unless you completely betray his trust and kill all his friends. Which is true, because in this case, you were the problem in the relationship.

1. Dorian Pavus

BioWare / Vaelen

Dorian is too much of an idealist to ever want anything but the best for you. When he’s not a revolutionary tearing down his homeland’s corruption, Dorian is the sort of man who comes home worried that you’re ragged with your own responsibilities. He defends himself with humor when you ask him how he is, but then opens up because he feels as comfortable with you as you do with him. He will have an internalized homophobia that he will need to unpack, stemming from growing up with a repressive, biased upbringing, but once you help him unravel that abuse, he will be your rock as you will be his are.