The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff member or faculty member is coincidental.
American University officially installed their latest security system called Eagle Light. This will replace the current blue light system as the emergency lights are more likely to summon a giant eagle than the campus police. The new system was installed following an estimated $2 million increase in this year’s police budget.
In addition to funding the new system, the university claims that about half of the increased budget will be used to set up breeding programs and produce high-quality avian steroids.
The eagle expert Dos Trained-Professional oversees the research department, searching for potential eagles for the newly formed SILLE, or Serious Intelligent Levelheaded Loving Eagles, the group of eagles tasked with answering distress calls.
“These guys? Top notch,” said the Trained-Professional. “To turn them into hardened warriors, we kidnap them from their families when they are young so they can be molded properly, but old enough to remember the trauma and themselves.” Let the false excuses motivate them to reunite with their loved ones We will never let them go.”
Some of the Eagles already in service have expressed concerns but remain confident in their decision.
“I used to say to my parents, ‘I want to be a superhero when I grow up.’ They always laughed at me,” said SILLE Eagle Officer Haliaeetus Leucocephalus. “Of course, that was before I was discovered by recruiters when I was quarterback for my school, High School for Birds. Some colleges offered me a full ride to play for them, but I had a higher calling. After that I got a sack put over my head and the next thing I’m doing is training to be a super soldier. It’s a real dream come true. I really hope to see my family again soon so I can rub it in their faces.”
Since Leucocephalus’ interview last Thursday, he has been suspended from a paid ban for serious injuries to a student’s eye. The incident happened after the student got drunk and put his hand on the emergency call button. The seagle requested the student’s comment, but he declined because his vocal cords were severely damaged in the accident.
No official review of SILLE was conducted, and more eagles have been assigned since the suspension of Leucocephalus, each with larger wingspan, sharper claws, and shorter lifespans.
In the eyes of the administration, appreciation for the Eagles’ brute force and quick action outweighs students’ concerns. One schoolgirl was particularly grateful after her experience with the SILLE eagles.
“After being basically left out in the cold by Title IX and the campus police for three weeks, I felt hopeless and always lived in fear of what my crazy neighbor would do to me,” said the anonymous student. “But then I just pulled a SILLE Eagle to the side, fed it seeds and it jumped into action immediately. I told him about the run-down and I haven’t been bothered by my neighbor since.”
Great eagles are now a common sight, perching over ledges and performing flight exercises, circling the sun and pretending to pursue anyone who quads down as if they are prey. Their brutal tactics are having an effect: Since its inception, crime and violence on campus have decreased by 75 percent.
Not all members of the bird world are pleased with the success and popularity of Eagle Light. Members have criticized the blatant discrimination and bias towards eagles, claiming that employment opportunities for other birds are diminishing.
“It’s not just eagles that need to save money and food for migration,” DMV resident Jealous Talking Raven Sr. said life . Bird unemployment has already skyrocketed and we have kids joining gangs and parents short-handed on the rent. We have to worry about steroid super soldier eagles who might go rogue and become hardened vigilantes terrorizing our streets. And it’s all because a fancy school wants to keep their aesthetic and only hire birds that match their mascot.”
There is no sign of declining productivity at the Adler training facilities. It is estimated that about 50 more SILLE soldiers will be released by next semester.
“In the past, warriors like this were bred all the time,” said the Trained-Professional. “This is the new age of the Avian Spartans.”
Jasmine Shi is a freshman at the School of Communication and a satirical columnist at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Nora Sullivan, Alexis Bernstein, and Nina Heller. Copywriting was done by Isabelle Kravis, Natasha LaChac and Leta Lattin
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